Why is John Cena’s win/loss record so bad at Summerslam?

Jeremy Lambert has a couple of theories:

One theory is that it’s colder inside the SummerSlam arenas. WrestleMania is typically held outside in warm environments. Cena thrives in this environment because your boy is so hot that he’ll never be caught in the next man’s sweater. He also enjoys laying people down for the 3-second tan.

The lights inside the arena make it impossible to tan (they are not bright enough or close enough to the person tanning) and also increase the need for Cena to borrow the next man’s sweater.

Those are pretty good.

Seriously, though, I think Lambert hits it here:

Other wrestlers look at facing John Cena at SummerSlam for the World title as the second biggest match they could possibly achieve…and enter said match accordingly. Cena just sees it as another match.

I think in the back of Cena’s mind, he knows he made the wrong decision in 2010 against the Nexus, where he alone buried seven newcomers before they ever got a chance. It’s one of the worst blights of Cena’s career, and the prime example people talk about when they discuss Cena being bad for WWE. Ever since that event, Cena has used Summerslam as a place to put an up-and-comer over (I understand that Brock Lesnar (2014) may not seem like an up-and-comer, but in many ways that match rehabilitated Brock after a year-long story with HHH. It was the debut of the character Lesnar has to this day: a man only interested in hitting a few suplexes and his finishing move, because that’s apparently enough). It might have been a coincidence a few years in a row, but it’s been six Summerslam’s in a row where a wrestler looking to prove themselves to the WWE audience goes up against Big-Match-John. It’s also been six in a row where Cena feels the need to do what’s right for the company.

Having said that, I hope he squashes Baron Corbin in 30 seconds. I hate that guy.


Dear WWE: Please Don’t Do Business with Hulk Hogan

Imagine you work in WWE’s tech section. It’s your job to create video content for WWE’s various outlets, like WWE.com, Youtube etc., and imagine you’ve been doing this job for nearly twenty-five years. Imagine you started in mid-1993. It’s possible that the first thing you were assigned to do was erase Hulk Hogan from WWE’s distributed content, because Hulk Hogan no longer worked for the company and that’s how WWE operates. Any VHS tape with Hogan on it had to be taken off the shelf. Any highlight package could no longer feature Hulk Hogan. Wrestlemania III’s highlight was now the Intercontinental Championship match. You did the work. Hulk Hogan didn’t exist.

Imagine it’s 2002, and you’re still in the department. An order comes down from the boss, and he wants you to find all those old clips of Hogan and start putting them in everything, because he’s back. Hogan has to go in the intro video now. Hogan has to have a DVD. Everything is Hogan, Hogan, Hogan.

Then, just over a year later, you’ve got to undo all of that. Hogan isn’t happy being just another wrestler, and he bails. Any tshirts, website designs, promo packages, and entrance videos you may have been working on in the Hogan folder all go into the vault. Who’s Hulk Hogan? Never heard of him.

It’s 2005. You’re still making stuff for WWE. Your boss asks you to put together a Hulk Hogan video package for the Hall of Fame. You breath a sigh of relief. It’s Hogan content, which is…somewhere in that stack of hard drives over there, but it’s a Hall of Fame package. That means it’ll be the end of it, right? Nope. He’s back, and he’s headlining Summerslam. Also, can you build a Larry King Set quickly? They need it for reasons.

The day after Summerslam, they ask you to wipe Hogan from everything again.

Hogan comes back for next years’ Summerslam, but it’s against Randy Orton so nobody cares to do much work. Oh, except, can you make something for Brooke Hogan’s CD?

It’s 2014. Nobody’s even talked about Hulk Hogan in years, except at how much of a goddamn disgrace he’s become. You’re working hard on the graphics packages for Wrestlemania 30. You get a memo. You cry.

Not long after, you’ve got to delete it all again. The Network has started, and you just recently redid all the video packages. You begin to wonder if Hulk Hogan is the reason you drink and don’t believe in God.

It’s 2017, and you enjoy listening to Jerry Lawler’s podcast, but you don’t love this part about how they noticed you’ve been slowly integrating Hogan back into video packages. You didn’t even realize you’d been doing it. Oh god, you think you to yourself. It’s happening again.

SummerSlam Buyrate

SummerSlam Buyrate

How to make some fans happy

1) Man, that six man was good, and I wasn’t even expecting it.

2) Kelly Kelly won in a fluke, and Beth is going to murder her, right?

3) Daniel Bryan is headlining Wrestlemania. Shut up.

4) Mark Henry is on the streak of his career.

5) Randy Orton and Christian has been going for five months now. This seemed conclusive.

6) Cena had his foot on the ropes, so now he’s got a reason to gripe with HHH!

7) CM Punk got screwed, so he’s got a reason to gripe with HHH!

8) Hey look there’s Kevin Nash!

9) Alberto Del Rio is going to be a great autumn champion. I mean, have you seen his work lately?

How to make some fans upset

1) Deliver on matches that weren’t announced, like the opening six-man.

2) Kelly Kelly wins clean.

3) Daniel Bryan loses clean.

4) Mark Henry wins.

5) Randy Orton: World Champion.

6) Screw the good guy in the main event.

7) Screw the bad guy in the main event.

8) Hey look there’s Kevin Nash.

9) So. WWE Champion. Erm. Not advertised for main event. No buys.