A call to WWE headquarters regarding my disappointment about tonight’s event

WWE: Ring. Ring. Hello, WWE corporate. 
K Sawyer Paul: Um hi, hello. I’m K Sawyer Paul. May I speak to The PPV department? 
WWE: Sure, let me find someone in promotions. Ring. Ring. Promotions. 
K Sawyer Paul: Hi, I’m K Sawyer Paul. Do you offer refunds to disappointed customers? 
WWE: Well, there are some circumstances where that is warranted. Which event did you attend? 
K Sawyer Paul: The Rumble, last night. 

WWE: The 2011 Royal Rumble featuring John Cena, Randy Orton, and all your favourite WWE superstars. Yes? 
K Sawyer Paul: Oh, my god, is that how you actually name the shows? 
WWE: It’s policy. 
K Sawyer Paul: Okay, well, yes. I had a severe problem with the program and I’d like my money back. 
WWE: All right, mister, what did you say your name was? 
K Sawyer Paul: K Sawyer Paul. I’m the author of No Chinook, a drama about bisexuality and getting over lost love in suburban Calgary. Its pretty good. 
WWE: Um, okay. Sir, we don’t offer refunds if your favourite superstar doesn’t win. That’s part of the show. 
K Sawyer Paul: Oh, I understand that. And I enjoyed nearly the entire program. It was well paced and I totally saw the value of the 40-man Rumble. Also, the title matches, while predictable, served excellent purposes and were technically very good. 
WWE: Did you just plug your novel? 
K Sawyer Paul: I’ve been told I need to do that more. 
WWE: Oh, Okay, so what is the nature of the complaint? 
K Sawyer Paul: The Women’s match. 
WWE: I’m sorry? 
K Sawyer Paul: Yeah, the women. The ones that aren’t men. 
WWE: I’m sorry, you’re going to have to be more specific. 
K Sawyer Paul: Ugh…the divas. 
WWE: Oh, the smart, sexy, and talented wwe divas. Yes, what about the contest did you not enjoy? 
K Sawyer Paul: I didnt, uh, I mean, do you really not refer to women as women over there? What do they call you? 
WWE: I’m a promotions specialist diva. 
K Sawyer Paul: Swell. Okay, well, my complaint is that me, and it seemed everyone in the theatre was expecting a new…diva to show up during the match. And she didn’t. And we got Eve instead. And that was pretty lame. 
WWE: So you’re complaining that we changed the match to a fatal four way from the original handicap match? 
K Sawyer Paul: No, that I was fine with. Really, everything up to Eve’s music was perfect. But Eve wasn’t supposed to be Eve. 
WWE: So your complaint is that we included Eve? 
K Sawyer Paul: Look, nothing against Eve. She’s…fine, I guess. But she’s not who the surprise was supposed to be. 
WWE: How do you know who the surprise was supposed to be, hypothetically?
K Sawyer Paul: I knew it from…from the Internet. 
WWE: So let me get this straight. You’re asking for a refund for a show because a match that you wanted to happen and we never said would happen didn’t happen, or a person you wanted to come out and we never said would come out didn’t come out. 
K Sawyer Paul: Look, I get how that sounds. But every other rumor about the show came true. Booker was there. Nash was there. 
WWE: Who’s Nash? 
K Sawyer Paul: …diesel was there. So those rumours came true, but Kong wasn’t there. and you guys changed the match last second and made Michael Cole say “this next Diva” and it really seemed like a debut. 
WWE: Who’s Kong? 
K Sawyer Paul: Awesome Kong. The woman in question. 
WWE: Really? I’ve never heard of her. 
K Sawyer Paul: Oh, well. Her twitter account cryptically mentioned she might be there. So I got my hopes up. I think a lot of people did. 
WWE: Mr…, sorry what was your name? 
K Sawyer Paul: K Sawyer Paul. I’ve got a new book coming soon. It’s about papparazzi and celebrity blogging in las Vegas. I think you’ll like it. 
WWE: Yes, Mr Paul. You and a lot of people are disappointed that we didn’t debut a diva because her twitter suggested she might be there. I fail to see how that’s our fault, exactly. 
K Sawyer Paul: Well, she signed with you guys a while ago, so it seemed like about time. 
WWE: Who told you she signed with us? 
K Sawyer Paul: …she did. On twitter. Sort of. 
WWE: Mr Paul, I’m sure you’re a very good writer, so maybe you can pit the logic together on this one. If this Mrs Kong tweeted that she signed with us and would debut at the rumble and didn’t, then it’s logical to assume she’s also not signed with us. 
K Sawyer Paul: So she didn’t even sign with you guys? 
WWE: I can’t comment on that. All I’m suggesting is that your facts might not be straight. You can’t always believe the internet. 
K Sawyer Paul: I…I know. I’m sorry, sorry for wasting your time. 
WWE: It’s no problem. And hey, maybe tune into Raw. You never know. She might just show up. 
K Sawyer Paul: What, really? 
WWE: Click. 
K Sawyer Paul: Dammit! Damn you WWE!

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