Since he was afraid losing and being embarrassed by Daniel Bryan in January 2012, he attacked his girlfriend AJ instead.

That’s how I remember it.

• Uncovering the new WWE Encyclopedia
• ❖ Will any story conclude at Over the Limit?
• WWE Raw ratings fall again
• Beowulf provides pro wrestling’s take on narrative poetry
• Change the conversation
• Weekly Digest for the week of May 11, 2012

The second edition of the awesomely informative WWE Encyclopedia is set to hit shelves on Sept. 3, but you can pre-order your copy at online retailers today! After all, it’s the only book where you can read about Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz.

These aren’t match predictions, because I think those are a) boring, and b) often not at all indicative of quality. I believe a more valuable thing to predict is whether or not a story will conclude at a show, because a) nobody else does it, and b) it’s actually rare, so getting it right feels better than simply calling a winner.

Remember last fall when HHH and Kevin Nash showed up again and it seemed inevitable that they were somehow leading to a Nash vs Punk match? Remember what I said? Listen to the Fair to Flair podcast we recorded around that time. I mentioned that just because Nash is around doesn’t mean that a match involving Nash is guaranteed. Some guys are just unpredictable.

In my estimation, the same is true for HHH, but with a twist. The match will almost always happen, but it often turns out far better than one might expect. I know I’m not winning popularity on the internet for praising HHH’s work, but in my opinion the guy rarely disappoints, especially in the ‘epic’ format that comes after three-four months of build.[1] But a match between HHH and Brock Lesnar is not happening at Over the Limit, despite how much time they’re dedicating to it on Raw. What is happening on the show? First, let’s find out how I did last month.

Extreme Rules 2012

The Miz vs Santino:

I usually don’t predict the pre-show match, because untelevised matches don’t count. But WWE.com has been promoting the match as a freebie on the site, so I’ll include it, if only to say that The Miz is slumming it contending for a belt he’s already far beyond. I don’t see this turning into anything, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Miz was traded to Smackdown and made to main event over there for a while.

The Miz has continued to slum it, and I still wouldn’t be surprised if he either takes time off or goes over to Smackdown for the summer.

Big show vs Cody Rhodes (intercontinental title)

I have no idea what’s going to happen here. I still think Cody is on his way up, and maybe this is just them biding time until the draft or a multi-man WHC match. But even though I was wrong last month, I’ll stick to my guns: this’ll be it for these two.

I was right on both counts: Cody and Big Show don’t have a match because Big Show was fired, and there is a multi-man match for the WHC. Cody’s not in it, but that’s splitting hairs.

Randy Orton vs Kane (falls count anywhere)

Back in the early years of WCW, you could always count on a wicked tag match that went crazy for half an hour, usually involving the road warriors or Arn Anderson with someone. This match is in that spot, spiritually. It won’t mean much during, and nothing after, but it’ll be fun.

I’ll call it three for three.

Beth Phoenix vs Nicki Bella (Divas Title)

I’m not going to feed into the rumours that the Bellas are leaving (I feel like, along with Maryse, they’re really very much at home as wrestlers instead of modelling or whatever), but I will buy into the idea that this is a setup for a returning (re-debuting?) Kharma.

Hmm. Three for four.

Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus (World Heavyweight Title, 2 out of 3 falls)

I called this chapter 2 earlier, and I fully expect this feud to continue to at least Over the Limit. It should also be lengthy, and a suitable apology for the short shrift at WM.

This column isn’t about quality of match or who wins; it’s about what might end. So I’m wrong here.

CM Punk vs Chris Jericho (WWE Championship, Chigago Street Fight)

I’m 100% guessing about this, but I feel like this’ll be the third act, giving Punk his third win in a row over Jericho on PPV. Punk has no shortage of credible challengers for the summer (I don’t think the title is going anywhere for months).

Nailed it. They haven’t even looked at one another since Extreme Rules.

John Cena vs Brock Lesnar

There’s no way this is the only match between the two of them, and I am going to anticipate all sorts of foul play, villainy, and nastiness. Nobody, and I mean nobody, should go into this looking for a) a wrestling classic, or b) a satisfying ending.

As good as Extreme Rules was, I was way off with my predictions. I estimated the way I did because of how the post-WM season usually shakes out: rematches, gimmicks, and unsatisfying conclusions. The month preceeding Extreme Rules and the show itself exists in this strange, isolated period: neither connected to the Wrestlemania season, or continuing in any noticeable way.

Total: 4 for 7. I’m disappointed in myself. Let’s make up for it.

Over the Limit

Zack Ryder vs Kane

The WWE.com pre-show rolls on with its second installment, this one with an actual story. It’s not a good story, but it does go back to December. This reminds me of how WCW used to do things with their mid-card: incredibly long plots that lost and forgot themselves for months on end and then picked right back up as if no time had passed.

Based on the nature of how the story has unfolded, I honestly can’t say if it’s the last one between the two. It’s probably the last time they tie something they do together to Ryder’s broken entire body, though.

Beth Phoenix vs Layla

Beth gets the rematch for the belt she never lost (shut up, I’m going with never lost) and will not win it here, nor is this a) a real story, or b) something that’s likely to continue. Kharma? Please? Already?

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs The Swaggles

What? They need a team name. They’ve been teaming for years. Unfortunately, this match is as meaningless as every other one the Swagger and Ziggler have had. Should be fun and innofensive and the titles might change hands but that won’t change anything.

Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio vs Chris Jericho vs Randy Orton

I want to point out to everyone that there isn’t a single person on the planet who wasn’t going to buy this show based on Sheamus vs Del Rio, but will now that it’s a four-way. In fact, I would put money on the opposite occuring. A one-on-one title match is at least meaningful, but four-ways should really be relegated to smaller venues. Oh, wait, this is the annual May WWE PPV. There isn’t a smaller venue.

Sheamus will go on to feud with one of these guys. The other two will do other things.

CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan

If this match finishes in less than ten minutes, I will believe all the stories ever told about Vince McMahon’s hatred of the indies. Really, this is smart by WWE. They know there’s a portion of the audience that would very much enjoy these two in a lengthy PPV match, but they know that audience is not the group that buys only the big ppvs. They go strong here, and we don’t really get to complain when Summerslam is headlined by JBL and the Undertaker (fall 2004 was the fifth-worst season of WWE television of all time).

But then again, we’ve got a ways to go until Summerslam. I’ll still stick with my prediction for Punk last month: there is really no shortage of available villains. One, done, and onto the next one.

John Cena vs John Laurinaitis

There’s this weird rule amongst wrestling fans that wrestling in Japan for a while means you’re a good wrestler. I’ve never seen a Big Johnny match from Japan, but I’ve seen lots of him from American, and buy does he have a wrestling ability for executive vice-presidenting.[2] But, sure, I’ll go along with the crowd: there was a time when Johnny Ace could go. That doesn’t mean jack, here.

WWE isn’t particularly interesting in proving John Cena’s wrestling skill, let alone and old retired guy in a suit. And while those decrying the potential match quality probably have a leg to stand on, I wouldn’t be surprised to see something wholly unexpected here. There are lots of characters in this story sitting on the sidelines, after all. I’ll also go with the ending being satisfying and conclusion-like, but will actually keep going next month.

I will not be watching this show live or even within a few days (or at all, judging by my history with May ppvs). Not much on the show screams ‘watch me now’, so I won’t. But I hope it’s great for those in the arena and the PPV buyers. I hope it’s shit for the torrenters. You all sicken me.[3]

Ratings for World Wrestling Entertainment’s (WWE) flagship program, Monday Night Raw, may not be nearly as important as they once were but it’s never a good sign when the lead-in show to a pay-per-view event registers the second lowest number of the year.

Such was the case with his past Monday night’s (May 14, 2012) episode of Raw, which pulled a 2.9 rating and an average of 4.21 million viewers for the two hour broadcast on USA.

Call me when the numbers get down to Mad Men levels. You know, the most critically acclaimed show on television.

On top of that: Ratings don’t include online viewers (the folks who check the website and watch the videos that go up within hours of the show), people who watch the shows on Hulu (Smackdown, NXT, and Superstars viewers, anyway), people who watch the show the next day via DVR, tape, or torrent. They also don’t include people outside the lower 48 states. So, yeah. It’s an accurate portrayal of viewership.

For much of its two-hour length, Beowulf The King, a six-actor version of the Old English epic narrative poem we all (theoretically) remember from school, is slamming and bashing, stabbing and head-stomping, limb-tearing, back-flipping, gouging, and those fancy twirly moves with the manly diagonal kick. And it has the sound effects to match — highly convincing grrrrs and arggghs and snarls, supplemented by a percussion section of bone-cracking live effects, and underscored by a go-for-the-glory soundscape played live by composer Joel Crichton.

I probably write this a lot, but: I wish those who of us who are obsessive/passionate/critics of WWE and other wrestling would be more interested in whether the stories are compelling, the matches are well-crafted, or the performances are affecting and ignore all the drawing-money, go-home-show, quarter-ratings, this-won’t-sell buys pap. Let the salesmen worry about what will sell.

Some points have to be repeated over and over.

• Evergreen Arguments
• So much for the WWE off season
• TNA ppvs on Youtube
• One-word Raw review for May 7, 2012
• Stay the Fuck Away From Boxing Matches, Justin Bieber
• Veda Scott: The Dirty Dirty Sheets Interview
• Kill the kayfabe: It’s time for WWE to stop pretending offstage
• One-word Smackdown Review for May 4, 2012
• One-word Impact Wrestling Review for May 3, 2012

My primary outputs, professionally, are software and writing. This is what I’m contributing to the world. None of the software I write today is likely to still be in use in thirty years, but if I write a truly great and timeless article, that could be valuable to people for much longer.

Marco perfectly communicates the problem with timely writing: by its nature, its difficult to make it timeless. Reviewing or commenting on the latest thing has a built-in life expectancy (depending on the platform, that life can be minutes).

My goal with International Object is to publish fewer and better things, and regularly calibrate what that means. I’d rather have 10 articles a year that resonate for five years than a thousand articles a month that last a day. That goes against every philosophy regarding SEO and analytics, but if you’re not getting rich from ads and sponsors, why try to fit in that model?

I just finished a 2 month job fixing the archive. I deleted every article that either didn’t matter anymore or wasn’t ever all that relevant. What’s left are what I feel are evergreen articles: arguments and links that still hold ground and that will aid future work. In the next few weeks, the site will look different to accommodate this evergreen philosophy. It’ll look a lot less like a blog and more like a living book, like one long, intricate argument, pointing to a conclusion I have to say over and over and over: wrestling is art. That makes it more difficult. This difficulty requires respect.

Punk/Bryan will be great because we know what we’re getting from them, while Laurinaitis/Cena will be exciting mainly because we don’t know what we’re getting.

I don’t know what to make of WWE’s ppv setup in 2012. Shows that normally feature lots of surprises (royal rumble, EC) were solid but by-the-numbers, while shows normally forgettable (extreme rules, over the limit) have a ton of buzz.

Regular readers know that I’ve always considered the spring to be a kind of off season for WWE, where you can generally tune out from April to July without missing too much. 2012 blows that theory to bits.